The obsession

I guess I can say I'm kinda obsessed with my weight - when it's insanely heavy! Here's a boring story of my weight dilemma.

Pre-Mesir period, I was pretty much skinny all my life. Before flying off to do BA, I was 39.9kg. I never had problem with my diet either. I pretty much ate all I wanted, what I wanted. I ate pizza every other week. I never missed a meal. Even had fried bananas for hi-tea. Every. Single. Day. At school, I ate at break time (10AM), and ate lunch too at 12.30. I was pretty much happy with my diet, with my weight, with my body.

In my first year of doing BA, I continued with my diet. There was nothing different - well except that I ordered pizza nearly everyday! True story, no exaggeration. I've always liked pizza, but in Brunei I didn't have the money to order it everyday. In Cairo, it was awesomely easy to get pizza. At any time of the day. Any time at all. 

So I guess my diet went through some changes. Perhaps it affected my digesting system, my metabolism, and pretty much everything else - which resulted in weight gain. At first I didn't realise that. I only realised that when I had gained like - 5kgs! Ever since that, I had been trying to get back into shape - but to no avail. Mainly because I literally forgot I was supposed to lose weight when I was hungry, and was seated in front of luxurious food. Diet? What diet??

Surprisingly, when I was on the verge of giving up, I did lose weight when I was in Brunei - during one summer. Third year. Ramadan. So then I knew the exact diet that worked for me - fasting. Nothing else. Fasting, and then breaking fast with moderate intake of food.

Since then, I was back to being small. Not to the original weight, but at least I was small and decent. I was 42kg. Even then I wished I would drop 3kgs to get back to my original weight, but nonetheless I was still happy with 42. I honestly didn't think I could get back into shape. I lent my roommate my jeans, which didn't fit me for 2 years. I made a resolution that I would take them back if I could fit into them. And I did! But I didn't take them, because they had kinda gone out of season already. But hey! At least I got to fit into them again yes?

So I was back to being skinny again for a while - until I finished BA and went back to Brunei for good. Again, I think, my diet changed. I needed to eat several times per day. Nearly everybody else around me was determined to lose weight. I, on the other hand, had no care in the world about my weight, so I went and ate everything I wanted again. I forgot what it was like to be fat! I foolishly believed I could never go back to that phase again. And I foolishly believed that my system would work like how it used to pre-Mesir period.

I was a fool. Two years later, I am totally regretful.

So as it can be seen, I was never okay with being fat. I never got the chance to accept my body when it was fat. I've been skinny all my life. To accept the fact that I am fat, it's not easy. It will take long to be in the state of acceptance. Which is why, I want to be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I will be skinny again!

I don't care if people say, "BALUM LAGI NI KAU ANI." To me, "SUDAH BRABIS!"

Insya Allah.