When you read nothing at all

I guess for some bloggers (like me), they write better when they know no one is reading. There's still a good chance though that people may read your blog but you don't know that. Not unless they declare themselves out loud. So, if you happen to be reading this, don't let me know.

I've been asked. What if one day he came back into your life and asked you to take him back? What would you say or do? My heart knows the answer, but my mind stops it from saying it to those who ask. I guess I'm just afraid. What if I was sure like last time, but in the end, it was all for nothing? Remember the song Smoke Gets In Your Eyes? Here have a listen. I got all of that going on in my heart, but in the end, it was all a big fat lie.

I don't wanna go through that anymore. So, I wanna give them an uncertain answer. An answer that seems to make me look like I'm not confident with myself - with what I feel.

 

The truth is....

I don't want him. Not even a little. Not at all. The years I spent supposedly with him were just crappy, like I was punished or something. I stood by, believing. Not giving up. At the same time, I was heavily disappointed, in pain. "What have I done to deserve such treatment?" Why did I stay? No, I don't want him.

And...there's another reason. All the more reason I want to keep what I feel inside to myself. I feel so much for this reason, but at the same time I don't wanna feel anything at all for it. I don't wanna lose this reason, but at the same time I don't wanna own it. I care dearly for this reason, but at the same time, I don't wanna give my heart to it.

The one close to me. The one who's always been there for me. The one I've cared for like a brother. The one who has made all those years wasted feel like nothing. The one so much better. The one...I suddenly feel so afraid of losing.

So yeah, my heart's been dying to tell people that - but my mind so far has not failed in stopping it. Patience, my heart. Patience. If he's the one for you, God will bring us together. And that day, everyone will know. You don't have to tell them anything.

Thanks to you, 21, I've learned patience.